Updated: Jan 14, 2022
I THINK THE BODY REMEMBERS,
BUT THE MIND WILLS TO FORGET
Everyone grieves differently, and not everyone heals the same. There is no right way and no set time. There are only pieces - some will shatter life apart with shards of glass ripping flesh away, while others swirl like specks of sand unsure where the storm will toss them. I remember the moment - when I forgot how to breathe - when lungs don't fill and the chest no longer rises or falls. It's a tragic scene, one I don't hold dear. Death Day Anniversaries are lessons I prefer to forget.
Losing him, cut deep, and surviving survival depleted the very marrow in my bones. For a long time my tattered body chased the swirling pieces, clinging tight to preserve and protect each precious memory - each hope for existence in a world that had fallen apart. Just as time marched on, I learned to walk again, to breathe again. I no longer held onto the memory of the day I lost him, or, one could say, that day no longer held on to me. I'm often asked each year if the anniversary of that day brings forth grief, but oddly it does not. I think the body remembers, but the mind wills to forget. That memory is one I choose not to focus on. There are so many others I prefer to hold close - the safety of his embrace, the wit behind his laughter, the youthful side of his heart.
Grief Comes Like
In Unexpected Weather
For me, grief comes like waves in unexpected weather. It shows up at Christmas and reminds me of four minus one. I feel its presence when facing a wall I know he would gladly storm. It swallows my heart in the expressions of our daughter, who happens to have his eyes. It lingers and stings when new memories are created that I wish he were here to see.
I Lift My Eyes to the Hills
But in those moments I no longer try to catch my swirling pieces. "I lift my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."
Psalm 121: 1-2
It is through His love that I experience the beauty of life, even in the ashes. It is through His grace that I can have hope. It is His strength that carries me through. It is His promise of eternity that brings me peace.